Sava sighed. “You know how it works, Eli. What exactly would you like to know? Whether or not it hurt? If I was frightened? ”
She ignored the crooked grin on his face. “Did you want to die …after?” she whispered.
Realizing at once she was quite serious about this, he put his arm around her. “It’s complicated, Angel. My life was nothing like yours. You were an innocent child. I…wasn’t. “
“But…”
“No. I didn’t want to die. Actually I gave it no thought whatsoever. I had unfinished business to take care of.”
“But your life was changed forever! You knew what you were, and what you were going to become! Why…”
“Because my life after wasn’t that much different from my life before, it turned out. Except for the sun. “He paused. “And finally, you.”
“But Papa told me you were bitten by someone…like me. A child.”
“He told you that, did he? He should have talked to me first,” Sava said angrily. “All you need to know is that he was nothing like you, and I finished him swiftly and painlessly. In a most old-fashioned way. With a sword.” Eli could feel him tense up.
She glanced over his shoulder, where Gudmund’s painting of her still leaned against the wall, unhung. An ancient sword was mounted on the wall above it. She knew the only way he could kill a vampire with a sword was by decapitating it. And that meant that Sava had decapitated a child.
Sava followed her eyes. “He wasn’t the first to die by that sword, Eli. But he was most definitely the last.” His voice was cold; distant; detached.
Her eyes teared up. “Why are you telling me this, Sava?” It was as though he were being deliberately cruel to her. Why else would he voluntarily confess to having done such a terrible thing, unless he wanted to shock her?
“You asked a very personal question. I felt obliged to give you an honest answer.”
“I’m sorry, Sava. I didn’t mean any disrespect.” she looked down at her feet.
He sighed. “I know you didn’t, Angel. Sometimes I forget…how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve left behind.”
She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. “Why is it so hard, Sava?”
“It has to be hard. If it were easy you wouldn’t be who you are. And Oskar would have been lost to you. He would have died that night you laid your trap for him.”
“But I didn’t…”
“You forget. I was there. I saw it all.”
Eli didn’t need to be reminded. She knew Oskar had been mere seconds from death when he caressed her cheek.
“And that has always been the difference between you and all the others. You regretted every death you caused. And many times you went hungry rather than kill at every opportunity that presented itself to you. And you were small. You had far fewer opportunities than most of our kind.”
“But I should have killed myself after Isak!”
“Nonsense! You were a child! The parasite had hundreds of thousands of years of evolution behind it! It would have been impossible for you!” his voice rose. “Your stubbornness is as much a liability as it is an asset; especially when it comes to your determined quest for self-immolation!”
He grabbed both her hands, squeezed them painfully hard, and pulled her closer to him. “You hibernated two to three times as often as I did, even after 200 years. And Gudmund’s father never hibernated. Why do you suppose that was?”
“I…don’t know. I never thought about it. I thought I was normal.”
“Your own Papa told you why. You need to pay more attention. Only he didn’t know you deliberately starved yourself. And the result was hibernation. Once Oskar and your Papa ‘tamed’ you and your life became relatively stable, you never hibernated again,” he said sarcastically. “You methodically starved yourself back then because you hated to kill, no matter how long the trail of deaths became.”
Eli didn’t know what to say. She had never seen Sava so upset with her before. He was so certain about this. Could he be right after all?
“The only cowardly act you ever committed was using Håkan to feed you after you were strong enough to do it for yourself. As a result, you were responsible for his death; but you knew that.” He paused to make sure she understood what he was trying to tell her. The look on her face told him she had. “But he’s the only one you asked so much of. Never forget that! I would be a saint if I could say the same about my own life!” He produced a monogramed silk handkerchief from somewhere and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“Sava, please don’t…” she wasn’t sure she could bear any more of his help. It wasn’t helping.
“And then, there’s your legacy. Have you thought about your legacy, Angel?” he asked softly. “I mean, other than the trail of death you’ve left behind you?”
Eli was numb now. Was this ever going to end? “I understand my legacy, Sava. You don’t have to remind me.” He could hear the despair in her voice. Good! He thought to himself.
“No. You don’t! Even if you had drowned yourself and destroyed Oskar in the process, your gift to mankind would have more than made up for your past. Can’t you see that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Through your Papa, you have given mankind the possibility of eternal life; at the very least, the end of disease and old age. People will now be able to live long enough to shake off the rashness of youth, without losing youth’s enthusiasm for life. The countless millions of people your gift will save from suffering, loneliness, and death more than make up for those you involuntarily killed in the past.”
“That’s Papa’s legacy; not mine. I didn’t do it.”
“You’re his inspiration, his motivation, and the source of everything that’s followed as a result, foolish child! And all of those countless millions will be your children. Your DNA will be present in them all – as it already is in everyone you love.”
“But it’s not my fault. Why should I take credit for it?”
“Your past is not your fault. Why should you take the blame for it?! You can’t have it both ways. You’re highly intelligent. Even Oskar knows it. And as smart as you are, why is it so difficult for you to accept the truth of what I’m telling you? Do you hate yourself that much?”
“Yes, Sava. I hate myself that much!” And that was it, she realized. She hated her weakness. It didn’t matter that Elias’s suicide was impossible. All that mattered was that he had failed. All this talk was nothing but platitudes.
“Do you hate me too then?” His expression was unreadable. “I’ve done everything you’ve done and more, with far fewer regrets. And yet, you’re here, asking for my help and council.”
She put her arms around him. “No! I…I love you, Sava.” She could say it so easily, and yet she didn’t know why. Was it because he had accepted what he was and she couldn’t? Was it because he was so sure of himself despite the strange, dark path he had chosen to travel? Or was it simply because he had helped protect her and watch over her all those years? Did she love him merely because she knew he loved her? No, she knew that wasn’t it. At one time it could have been a reason, given her loneliness and desperation, but not now; not after Oskar, Papa, Mama, Hannah and everyone else in her life. She didn’t need to love him, yet she did. It was a mystery.
“How can you love me and hate yourself? I’ve done terrible, willful things in my lifetime—things that you could never begin to forgive were they known to you!” Sava was clearly irritated with her, but it couldn’t be helped.
“I don’t need to know them, Sava. And even if I did, I’d love you still.” She realized her mistake the moment the words left her mouth. Sava never bluffed.
He turned away from her. “The child I destroyed was my own son! My own son, whom I loved dearly. He was all I had left because of my vanity and pride. And he became what he was because I couldn’t let it go, even then.”
“You…you must have had a reason.”
“A reason? Of course I had a reason! He had betrayed me, so I killed him! I killed him because he turned against me!” He stood abruptly. “You claim you can forgive my lifetime of darkness, yet you can’t forgive yourself for your own trivial offence. You insult me! I think it’s likely you can forgive me because you know I can never be perfect. But you judge yourself by a higher standard! Your only sin is the sin of pride. I would recognize it anywhere.”
She grabbed his hand and held it firmly. “You’re lying to me.”
“No. I’ve told you the truth, for your own good.” He was caught by surprise by her iron grip, so it took him longer to jerk his hand away. And in that brief moment the raw, unaltered truth rushed in, despite his efforts to keep it from her.
She saw Sava quietly enter his son’s room, bend over his bed and kiss him on the cheek, as he did every night before he left. It made what he had to do on these dark nights just a bit easier to bear. She saw his child’s eyes open, and his beautiful face transform in an instant into a dark, fanged caricature of itself. She heard that familiar bark as he leaped up and attached himself to Sava’s neck and bit down hard; felt the pain as Sava tore him away and flung him against the wall, where he lay stunned long enough for Sava to grab his father’s old sword off the wall. Sava knew he could handle this small child even with his new strength; he had done it once before on another black night long ago. Thus, he knew without a doubt what he had to do now; he had no choice in the matter. His dreams for their future together crumbled to dust as he swung the old sword at his rapidly-approaching nightmare with such great force that his dear son’s body was separated from his head without a sound, and what remained sprawled on the floor in front of him, writhing and flopping around like a headless snake. Sava sank to his knees, gently cradled his son’s head in his arms and screamed in rage and grief. Finally, after a time, he closed his son’s beautiful dark brown eyes and kissed him on the cheek.
“You killed him because you loved him; because you couldn’t bear to see him endure what you knew he would have to endure. You killed him because you knew he would never be able to do it himself, no matter how much he might wish for it.” The absolute irony of Sava’s tragic choice didn’t escape her—rather it struck her like a hammer.
“Because he was a child! Like you!” Sava said, angrily.
Tears ran down her cheeks, “Oh, Sava! I’m so so sorry! I didn’t know!”
“Nor should you! It was and is a highly personal matter. You had no right to know!”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just wanted to…understand.”
“Understand what? In spite of what you think you’ve seen, you know almost nothing. Do you think anyone can be defined by a single moment in their lives? That only happens in operas and dime-store novels. Someday, if you survive, you will be thousands of years old and hopefully, a mature adult by then – but I won’t hold my breath. Do you think that your life will still be defined by Elias’s failure then? If you do, I might as well take down the sword and finish you here and now!”
“You wouldn’t! You couldn’t!” She clenched her fists and stared up at him, defiantly.
He sighed, and sat down hard on the couch. “No, you’re right. I couldn’t. I would never make that same mistake twice.” He looked up at her with his impossibly dark eyes, the same eyes that had frightened her so the first time she had seen them. They seemed so different to her now; so wise, so kind, yet at the same time, hard and uncompromising.
There was one more question she had wanted to ask him, but now she was sure she already knew the answer. “You’re never going to take the cure, are you?”
He smiled at her; and with that smile, she finally understood. And in that instant, her burden was rendered meaningless by his own, unbearably heavier one. “Is there anything else? Have you gotten what you came for?” His eyes glistened.
Are those tears? She held him tight, refusing to let him go until finally he bent down and kissed her gently on the forehead.
“I still love you, Sava,” she whispered. “Perhaps because we share a common sin.”
§
Sava watched her walk lightly, almost skipping, down the path where Oskar was waiting patiently for her on the curb. He barely had time to get to his feet before Eli grabbed him in her arms and kissed him on both cheeks. He grinned at her, then the two of them walked slowly hand-in-hand toward the compound. Sava smiled, turned, and picked up Eli’s beautiful portrait, where it had remained, leaning against the wall since he first moved in. “It’s time I hung you properly,” he whispered. He carried it into his bedroom, leaned it against the wall at the foot of his bed, and opened his toolbox.
“What did Sava tell you, Eli? You look so happy!”
She was immediately ashamed of herself. Why should she be happy now that she knew Sava’s terrible secret? But she couldn’t help it; she really was. Because Sava had shown her what was really important, and what her failure really meant. And she understood for the first time.
She squeezed Oskar’s hand tight and could feel his pulse quicken. She thought back to her last night of dark loneliness; the night Oskar saw something in her she had never imagined could still be there, and he reached out and caressed her cheek because it was so clear to him then that it was worth caressing. And by doing so, he had saved both their lonely lives.
She stopped abruptly, took both his hands in hers and pulled him up against her. She could feel his sweetness, she could smell the sunlight on his soft skin, the fresh breeze that brushed his hair gently against her cheek, and she read his deep, boundless longing for her, his devotion to her, and his vision of her as his perfect lover, friend, protector, and soulmate, and finally his never-ending, ever-present but seldom-spoken vow to give his life for her if need be.
“I am happy Oskar,” she whispered in his ear. “And I promise you! I will never, ever leave you again. I was so stupid! Can you ever forgive me?”
She felt him tremble.
They stood there holding each other for a very long time. Over and over again, and with great joy in his heart, Oskar forgave her, until finally she had no choice but to accept his forgiveness.
§
“Where’s Hannah, Eli? I haven’t seen her since she talked to Mom.” He picked up Eli’s heart-shaped pillow and idly turned it over and over in his hands.
“I can’t see her either, Oskar. Where do you suppose she is?”
“Should I look?” He didn’t like the idea of intruding, especially when she was probably avoiding them, but…
“Yes, please, Oskar.” Eli couldn’t hide the anxiety in her voice. She knew Hannah had been upset this morning and she just wanted to make sure it wasn’t anything serious.
“Okay.” He reached out and found her quickly, lying next to the pool. He smiled to himself. “I’ll go get her for you Eli.” He slipped out the door before she could object.
He was halfway across the lawn before she saw him coming. She rose up quickly, hesitated a moment, then lay back down on her towel and closed her eyes. It wasn’t until he was almost upon her that he saw the smile on her face. It’s okay, Eli. We’ll be there in a few minutes. He kneeled down beside her. She looked more like Eli than ever, especially with her eyes closed; so absolutely beautiful! But he knew that the way he felt right now, even Sava would look beautiful to him.
Still, he couldn’t help himself. He put his hand on her cheek. “How are you doing, Hannah Bananah?”
Her eyes popped open. “Be thankful you’re not Jason, Oskar, or else…” she clinched her fist.
He gently wrapped his hand around it until she unclenched it and slowly threaded her fingers through his. “I was worried about you, Hannah. I saw you talking to Mom. I knew whatever was bothering you was serious.
She smiled at him, then sat up abruptly. “Oskar! I’m so happy for you! Oops! I’m sorry. Did you want me to see that? I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s okay, Hannah. And thank you!” He put his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek – and saw her fight with Jack at breakfast. He jerked back quickly, then grinned at her. “You and I are never going to be able to keep secrets from each other for very long, are we?”
Hannah sighed softly, “No, Oskar. And we probably shouldn’t even try. But…” she sighed again, shrugged her shoulders and let him in.
Oskar’s eyes got big, he gasped, then started laughing. “Oh Hannah! Eli will just love this! It’s so absolutely perfect!”
She turned bright red. “It isn’t funny, Oskar. It’s kind of …weird. I’m not sure I like it at all! And I’m going to stop it.”
“What?! You can’t! You simply can’t! You’re not serious!”
“Don’t you understand, Oskar? I don’t think of Jack that way. We’re just friends!”
Oskar glanced back at the house, saw the porch door open, and Eli run rapidly down the stairs and across the lawn. “You don’t know how you’ll feel in ten years, Hannah. Maybe…”
She shuddered. “I don’t think so, Oskar. I’m sorry.”
Eli plopped down in front of her. “Why didn’t you tell us, Hannah? It’s such a magical thing! Don’t you see? It’s meant to be!”
“No! It isn’t! He’s…old.”
“Jack? Old? Jack’s still a little boy, Hannah. Can’t you see that? Just like Oskar is still a little boy. Jack is just tall now. That’s all that’s different.”
“No, it’s not! Your mama understood how I feel.” She said defiantly.
“Let me show you Jack, Hannah.” She pressed her forehead against hers and closed her eyes. And Hannah was rushed back 14 years in time to the very day Eli almost died when Seth broke her window:
Jack stepped into Eli’s room, where Oskar was already seated on her bed with his arm around her. He gasped as he caught sight of Eli’s face; it was a mass of black, blue and red splotches. “Gosh, Eli! You look terrible! Does it hurt much?”
She smiled at him. “I’m okay. It just looks bad! Where’s Papa? Did you go with him?” she asked.
“He’s okay. He’s helping Seth. Oskar beat him up with a cricket bat. You should have seen it! Things have certainly gotten exciting around here since you two moved in.” He looked at her admiringly. “Boy, that’s got to hurt!”
“You should see my back,” she said, as she started to take off her shirt.
“Eli!” Oskar grabbed her hand and turned red.
“Oops! Sorry!” she giggled. She turned her back and raised her shirt up, revealing black and blue streaks, sprinkled with what looked like chicken pox. “That’s where Papa took out all the pieces of glass.”
“Wow!” he said admiringly, “That looks awful!” He took on a more serious tone, “Are you going to be okay? Dr. Dawson wanted me to send Mom over to look in on you, so I’d better go on home.” He started for the door.
“Jack? Thanks for going with Papa. And thanks for bringing Oskar home.” She flashed him a beautiful pixie grin.
He blushed, “Actually I just followed him home…but you’re welcome,” he turned and bumped into the door frame on his way out. “Sorry,” he mumbled as he disappeared around the corner.
They all burst out laughing. “I don’t remember that time, Eli. But I guess I had other things on my mind,” Oskar said.
“Jack really liked you then, didn’t he?” Hannah couldn’t help but sympathize with him. “He was just so cute! The look on his face when you thanked him…”
“And the look on his face when he ran into the door frame!” Eli giggled. “Poor Jack!”
“Remember the night after the first swimming party, Eli?” Oskar was really getting into this now.
“Oh yeah! Show us, Oskar!” Eli grabbed his arm.
And Oskar showed Hannah the night at the pool when Jack first fell madly in love with Eli; something Mama told her can only happen when you’re young and have never felt that kind of love before. And she saw how a jealous Oskar dressed him down for it.
“That’s so sweet, Eli.” Hannah giggled. “Oskar! You didn’t have to be so mean to him.” She glared at him.
“I know, Hannah. But I was jealous. And Jack seemed to be a real threat, because I could tell he really liked her.”
“He did, didn’t he?” Hannah smiled.
“And he’s still the same person now as he was then, Hannah. He just knows more stuff.” She grinned at her. “He can’t fool me, even though he seems to have fooled you.”
“But…”
“He loves you now, Hannah. Can’t you see it? Of course you can! And you know how he loves you. Kind of like Oskar and I for fourteen years. Right Oskar?”
“More or less Eli, but still it’s not the same.” Oskar scratched his head. “I mean, you and I were the same age, and Jack’s 12 years older than Hannah.” He was getting confused again. He still had no idea how it all worked, and he strongly suspected that Eli didn’t either. She was just more unjustifiably sure of herself.
“Oskar, I was much older than you! And just like Jack, I knew a lot of stuff you didn’t. Like how to speak English without an accent.” She grinned at him.
“Well it’s almost gone now, isn’t it Hannah?” Oskar glared at Eli.
“Pretty much, Oskar.” The last thing she wanted to do was get Oskar mad at her right now. “I can just barely hear it. But I’ve only know you a couple of years,” She added quickly, “so I don’t know how … strong it was before then.” She breathed a sigh of relief. She had almost said, ‘…how bad it was before then.’ “But you’re right Oskar. It’s not the same thing. He’s almost twice as old as me!”
Eli tapped her foot impatiently, “Hannah, I hate to bring this up, but Oskar and I are both at least twice your age. You have to take that into consideration.”
“Are you saying you’re both smarter than me? And that’s the reason why I’m…mistaken?” The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakable, even to Oskar.
“No, no. Eli didn’t mean that, did you Eli?”
“I didn’t?” She tapped her foot again.
Hannah sighed. “I know you mean well, Eli. And I do take your…experience seriously. The only reason I’m inclined to believe you is because you and Oskar love each other…like that now. And yet you still love each other the same way as before.”
Oskar blushed, “Yeah, and it didn’t hurt our relationship at all, even though I was really afraid it would…” he blushed again.
“It didn’t hurt our relationship at all, Oskar? Is that all you have good to say about it?” she tapped her foot even harder.
“No, Eli! That’s not what I meant! I really, really like it…” He blushed yet again.
Hannah and Eli burst out laughing. “You got him good, Eli. But he didn’t really deserve it. She hugged him tightly. “I know what you meant, Oskar. You’re so sweet.” She still wasn’t sure about Jack, but she was definitely glad she hadn’t talked to him yet. She needed to think this out more, but she was certain she wouldn’t get any more intelligible wisdom from these two, no matter how well-intentioned they were.
“You should talk to Papa, Hannah.” Eli said softly. “You’re right. Oskar and I think this is absolutely perfect…” she glanced at Oskar, who nodded his agreement, “but we could be wrong.” She was sure they weren’t, but she knew Hannah was at least as strong-willed as herself. Why should she believe them?
“I think that’s a good idea, Eli.” She was really relieved. She had considered talking to Mr. Dawson, and she was sure Mrs. Dawson had filled him in by now, so she wouldn’t have to repeat all the embarrassing details to him. She got up and headed for the house. Eli and Oskar watched her until she disappeared through the kitchen door, then grinned at each other.
“This is magical, Oskar! I just know this is going to happen! Isn’t it just so perfect?”
“I’m not so sure it’ll happen, Eli. She could decide…not to.”
“She won’t! I just know it. Do you really think she might?”
“Eli, she’s as strong-willed as you. And because of that, I have no idea what she’ll do.”
“So I can still keep you guessing, Oskar? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“Yep! You can still keep me guessing.”
“And you are still full of surprises to me, Oskar. I didn’t really expect you at the cave…” she looked down at her feet.
He put his hand over her mouth. “Enough! I forgave you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” He carefully removed his hand and kissed her on the cheek. She kissed him back, then grinned at him, a sudden sparkle in her eye.
“Let’s go swimming!” she peeled off her clothes and dove into the pool. She popped up a moment later and shook the water out of her hair. “That is, if you dare, Oskar. Remember, it’s broad daylight! Someone might see you,” she taunted. But at that moment, all Oskar could see was her beautiful pixie grin.
He glanced up at the rows of dark windows staring down at him from the pure white apartments on the side of the hill, and imagined Ryan, Janice, and everyone else in the village standing there watching them intently, shaking their heads, shocked by Eli’s immodesty, and being extremely judgmental. He looked over towards the bike racks next to the big gate and the Archaeogenetics Building across the tarmac, where at any moment, a family from the village might round the corner and ride up on their bikes for an afternoon swim. But, undeterred by his own overactive imagination and determined to show her he was every bit as daring as she, he quickly followed suit, stumbled over his shoes, regained his balance and, with one last defiant glance up the hill, leaped into the pool after her.